


Heart Like A Hole

by Lenina



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Post-Battle of Scarif, Some Live/Some Die
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-11-21 10:44:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18141167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lenina/pseuds/Lenina
Summary: Post Battle of Scarif, Jyn is watching and waiting as Cassian and Bodhi recover.





	Heart Like A Hole

_ Blink _

 

She’s was running but not making any forward progress.  The sand sucked at her feet, slowing her down. Cassian leaned heavily against her side, throwing her off balance.

“Keep going.  We’re almost there,” she yelled, and the wind whipped the words from her mouth.

Just past the surf she saw Bohdi in the Zodiak, basically a raft with an outboard motor, that he’d liberated from an Imperial ship.  She was all but dragging Cassian. Her back and arms burned, the muscles in her legs quivered.  _ Just a little farther.  Just a little farther. _

 

The shockwave from the explosion threw them forward and she didn’t feel it when she landed.

 

_ Blink _

 

The heart monitor screamed and nurses rushed into the room.  She fell back from the bedside, into the hallway, out of the way.  

 

_ Trust in the force _ , her mother told her.   _ All is as the force wills it _ , Chirrut said.  She hoped the force did exist; that her mother and father, Chirrut and Baze, hell even Kay, were one with the energy of the universe.  But not Cassian. 

 

“Charging!” a strained voice announced from inside the room.      

 

It was clear to her now that, it was his drive, his determination, his fucking  _ will, _ that kept the world spinning on its axis.  His sureness of purpose kept the sun rising and setting.  There was no universe she could conceive of in which he did not exist.  He didn’t have to be in her orbit, he just had to  _ be _ .      

 

“CLEAR!”

 

She slid down the corridor wall and wrapped her arms around her knees.

 

_ Blink _

 

Almost every morning she ate breakfast with Bohdi in the common room two floors above Cassian’s room.  Powdered eggs, heavy pancakes, meatless sausage. Usually mornings were his good time of the day, before the shadows stretched across the floor and reached his mind. Sometimes she brought him fruit, nothing exotic.  Today she put an orange on his plate. 

 

He smiled - well, he looked like he might smile, anyway - and told her, “You shouldn’t waste your money.  It’s too expensive.”

 

She leaned over and winked.  “It’s not like I paid for it.”

 

_ Blink _

 

“What does that  _ mean _ , Dr. Guerrain?”  She grabbed her patience with both hands.  That antiseptic hospital smell was forever going to remind her of wanting to strangle someone.

 

“That all we can do is wait.  But don’t give up hope. The swelling and pressure have decreased, his vitals are stable, his incision is healing with no sign of infection.  He could wake up in an hour, in a week, a month. . .” 

 

“Or never,” she finished flatly.

 

_ Blink _

 

“Listen to this.” She dropped her feet from where she propped them on Cassian’s bed and sat up straighter in her chair.  “It says here, ‘ _ Reiki is administered by laying on hands and is based on the idea that an unseen life force energy, called chi, flows through us.  If it’s low, we are more likely to get sick or feel stress.’”  _ She looked up from her phone.  “Maybe I can find some Reiki, uh, person, or whatever, to come see Bohdi.  Get his  _ chi _ sorted out.”  

 

Cassian remained still and unresponsive on the bed.  The breathing tube was out and his bruises finally fading to a sickly chartreuse, enhanced by the fluorescent light behind his bed.  His scruffy beard was thicker. He was healing, but she ached to see his eyes. At night, waiting for sleep, she remembered the feel of his dark gaze on her, practically tactile in its intensity.  

 

She slumped down in her chair again and muttered, “Get them to look at your  _ chi _ , too.”  

 

_ Blink _

 

Today was not a good day.  She could tell by the jittery way Bohdi’s leg bounced up and down already.  Usually that didn’t start until closer to noon, then the nurse would bring him his pills and he would turn into an empty vase for the rest of the day.  She should’ve checked to see if they had any fruit in the administrators’ lounge. Probably it wouldn’t have helped, but it was  _ something _ she could do.  She was precious little use to anyone here as it was.  

 

“When you get out of here, we are going out for brunch,” she told him.  “Omelettes, and french toast with whipped butter, bacon, and strawberries.  The real deal. Money is no object.”

 

She looked out the window at the grey sky and wondered if any of them ever really got off that beach.  Bohdi rocked rapidly in his seat, his cereal untouched.

 

_ Blink _

 

She rushed off the elevator.  The sound of her trainers slapping the linoleum echoed down the hall.  Pravyl, the RN in charge that night, met her at the nurses station. 

 

“He was only awake for a few minutes,” he began.

 

“Did he say anything?” she asked, barely slowing down as she passed the desk.

 

“Nothing clear, just mumbling.”  Pravyl stepped into her path. “Like I said, it’s a good sign, but it could still be awhile until he fully reawakens.”

 

She waved him off and went to hover nervously just inside the door of Cassian’s room, but he was the same.  Unconscious. She blew out her breath and sank into the chair beside his bed. Her chair all these long weeks.

 

What was she doing here?  Praying to the force, willing him to wake up.  She was useless. Worse than useless. In fact, she was pretty sure her presence was making Bohdi worse.  She nearly got Cassian killed. Succeeded with Chirrut and Baze, K and everyone else. Names she didn’t know until  they were corpses. They must’ve been his friends, people he’d worked with on previous missions, known longer and better than some Imperial’s daughter who tried to grow some morals.  They followed her because they trusted  _ him _ , and now they were dead.  Likely as not, he never wanted to lay eyes on her again.  She would only remind him of people he lost. 

 

And after he left the hospital, what then?  When he no longer needed someone to sneak him fruit or cheerlead his recovery.  Was she supposed to go begging to the Council for a job? They weren’t exactly beating down her door asking for help.  It seemed they planned to make good on their promise and let her go free. Which was for the best, no matter that it felt like a punishment now.  She had too many years relying only on herself, responsible for no one but herself, to ever adapt to the Alliance chain of command. Time she got back to it.    

 

She brushed away the memory of “Welcome home” and stood up.  Ignored the fact that only other person to visit Cassian was Draven, once, probably to ascertain if he had any future value to the Alliance, and slipped her hand in his.   She bent down to brush her lips against his cheek. 

 

“May the force be with you, Cassian,” she said softly.  

 

Then she walked away.

**Author's Note:**

> Because of course Jyn ran. But this does not mean it's the end for them, Jyn's self sabotage aside. In fact, I originally wanted to write a whole story about how Jyn and Cassian worked their way back together, but I cannot plot to save my life. So, in my head anyway, this was the beginning, not the end. 
> 
> This is the first thing I've ever posted. Concrit is gratefully accepted, but I bruise like a peach, so, you know, be gentle?


End file.
